How to lose 5 pounds in one day

First, gain 10 pounds in one week.

Second, freak the hell out because you are now well past you’re “comfort zone” and verging on “OMG how did I get fat?” territory.

Aside: Ha, I know! You were all “OMG what is this miracle that she has come across that is going to revolutionize my life?!” Well no, this is not some post about a miracle diet, I apologize for suckering you in with that headline. Moving on.

Third, decide that some of that has got to be water weight from a combo of 1) the grotesque amounts of sugar you have ingested in the past week and 2) you are having a visit from aunt flo (TMI? Sorry).

Fourth, use your knowledge of manipulating your body to decide that going low carb will at least shed the excess water weight and make you feel less horrible.

Fifth, eat low carb and low cal on January first just to be stereotypical. Also decide not to weigh yourself until next Monday.

Sixth, wake up the next morning and weigh yourself… proceed to be absolutely dumbfounded by the fact that you have lost 4.4 lbs in less than 24 hours… and discover you have no will power when it comes to the scale.

I mean I knew I was retaining water, and water weight is super easy to get rid of, especially going low carb, but still… that’s a lot of weight! I now consider this morning’s weight to be my true-ish start weight, pending tomorrow’s weight because if it fluctuates wildly again either way I’ll have to wait for next week when it’s more stable.

This is not how I normally operate. In fact, I was telling my boyfriend’s Mom about this over the break. Normally I diet for a week BEFORE I weigh myself. The reasons for this are:

  1. I know that if I have been eating gluten, sugar or lots of dairy like an idiot that I will retain water like a mo fo and my weight will be unstable.
  2. I like seeing a steady, stable progression and not get all crazy because my weight jumps around day to day.
  3. Seeing how much I’ve actually gained before a week of dieting is just depressing and I try to avoid that.

But an unexpected benefit of the initial horror that was my stepping on the scale on January 1 only to discover I have gained 21 pounds in the 2 months since my competition, is that I am now almost ¼ of the way back to that weight… that’s right… I play mind games with myself. Fractions and absolute numbers and all sorts on fun to be had in order to trick my brain into not beating itself up too much.

Am I crazy? Probably.

Does this work? YES.

Think about it. If I had weighed myself today instead of yesterday I would have thought I had gained 16-17 pounds. This is horrifying; it’s almost as horrifying as 21 pounds. By Instead I got the shock of 21 pounds.

Then 24 hours after that horrifying moment I got to experience the joy of having already lost 4.4 lbs and being closer to my goal weight.

I make no sense sometimes, but meh. This was really just an excuse to confess to you all that I have gained an inordinate amount of weight over the last 2 months. Yes some is muscle, but let’s get real, most of it is fat. 😦

But, you may ask, what exactly did I do to get rid of nearly 5 pounds in one day?

Well I’m pretty sure a lot of it had to do with drinking like 6 litres of water and taking all my vitamins (that are usually diuretic in nature), but also I was pretty careful with my food.

It broke down like this (I use to track my food if you are curious):

1400 calories… that’s about 300 less than my normal “diet” calorie level for reference. I.e. pretty low calorie for me but not going into starvation mode unless I keep doing that… which I won’t 🙂

45 grams of carbs – not quite Atkins, but still extremely low.

140 grams of protein – aw yeah, getting 1 gram per pound of lean body mass!

70 grams of fat – these were good fats mostly, like nut butters and such.

My meals were:

Breakfast – 1 egg, 3 egg white omelette with 2 slices of peameal bacon on the side

Snack – 1 oz pecans

Lunch – Bowl of lean beef chilli

Dinner – Chicken breast with sautéed baby bok choy and onions

“Dessert” – Protein sludge (1 scoop protein powder plus 1 tbsp of macadamia butter and a bit of water, then freeze)

I would have gone to the gym too, but apparently my gym doesn’t acknowledge the whole resolutions thingy, so I’m going extra hard tonight 🙂

Happy New Year!


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